Focusing where I need to

Those who know me know how I vacillate between the Fun Life and my spiritual calling to faithfulness. How I cringe those self-righteous types who have found Jesus and turn their noses up at those who still struggle with what it means to be human, let alone a spiritual being! When I have acted with the most disdain, the most judgment, with anger and condemnation it has been because I was afraid. So, forward I continue, hopefully with the support even of friends who do not believe in God, who even may wonder what the world I'm doing, who may choose a life quite opposite of where I think I'm going. I'm not trying to improve my life. I've tried to do that. I think the more I try to better my life, the more I end up failing. When i fail, I then revert to old, self-destructive behaviors.

No, the focus has to be singular: God. I don't have to "understand" God, or even understand how God works in the world, in Christ, in anyone. It's not the intellectual understanding that I need right now, though I'd be disingenuous if I said I didn't desire it. What I need, right now, is to know God inwardly; to come to commune with that Higher Power that is as near as my breath, and come to trust its Presence.