I've sometimes mused how liberal Quakerism is often like a
twelve-step program in its spirituality or perhaps the other way around. After all, in liberal Quakerism we all have a
"God of our understanding" and for non-theists, even those who use
the term God, that God isn't a deity at all. In twelve step programs,
that God, I've been told, can be anything. I've even heard some say it can be a
door knob if that god works! Others have used the acronym Good Orderly
Direction (G.O.D.) or Group of Drunks/Drug Addicts. I've heard many a
story where someone couldn't fathom the idea of a deity or divinity, so they
relied on the collective wisdom, experience and love of a group of recovering
people to help them heal spiritually. I know Quakers for whom God doesn't
work for them, but who find power in a Quaker meeting nonetheless. It's
not a wonder to me that there are a number of recovering people (alcoholics,
co-dependents, drug addicts, sex addicts) who find quite a bit of comfort and
meaning in Quaker meetings.
My concept of God is an omnipresent spirit that abides within me
and others, and whose mark is in all
creation. Everything is made by God, designed by God. This God is
the embodiment of Love, though that Love is also beyond my understanding.
I don't see the love as necessarily that which makes me feel good or which will
make everything go my way. But I understand that love to be one that
endures, that is faithful, and that in all things, in all trials and
tribulations, is ever present and lasts. The more I yield to that love,
the more I act from that love, the more I come into unity with that love and
therefore in unity with God. I don't believe that saves me from the fire.
Rather, I believe that it stays with me whether or not the fires consume me. This love didn't save Jesus from the cross, so I
don't expect any difference for me. However, this love made a miracle out
of the cross and for generations to come would speak to millions of God's love
and enduring compassion for his creation.
The problem I have had most of my life is learning to turn my will
over to God's care. Before I got married to Russell, we
went through a long process with both West Knoxville Friends in TN and Homewood
Friends in Baltimore to reach clarity on our desire/call to be wed under the
Friends' care. This required Friends to get to know us and get a sense of
our relationship, and for the two of us to make sure that we were spiritually
ready to allow these meetings to care for our marriage. That meant allowing
them to step in when things were going awry (and at one point, West Knoxville
Friends did so)! It also meant allowing them to help shoulder the
burden of marriage, supporting us when we weren't clear how to act, behave or
move forward in our relationship. They were to be our touch stones in
marriage. I imagine turning my will and my life over to the care of God
in such a light.
I confess, though, to the same fear that I've had for my entire
spiritual journey. While I've studied Quakerism at length, and have spent
some time in the Bible; while I've prayed in silence and with candles and
incense; while I've been baptized in the name of the trinity and asked Jesus to
come into my heart and save me, I've never trusted God to come into life and
yield to his will. I've held on strongly to my own will through much of
my life, trying to control every aspect of my environment. I've praised God
when things went well, and sometimes when they did not; but, mostly, I was
angry or sullen when things didn't go my way. Lately, I've found that my
anxiety has a lot to do with not trusting that God will make all things
right. I've been told that it takes time, and that once I make the
decision to turn my life over to God, it doesn't all end there. There is work
to be done. That is where I have stopped in the past. From the age
of 12 when I first remember giving my life to Jesus until the age of 41, I have
avoided the most painful part of giving my life over to the Light and allowing
the Light to do what must be done.
So,
what must be done? I've made the decision, again, to submit. To yield to
the Divine Light Within and to be faithful to what it would have me
do. That means, in my experience and understanding, giving time to
God in prayer and silent waiting each day, every day, allowing the Light to
search me and show me what must be changed, what must be and what must not
be. It means not doing this alone, but attending meeting for worship
regularly as well as other meetings where I may find encouragement, strength
and hope to move beyond any patterns and behaviors which are not in keeping
with the Light. This is the part I've dreaded the most, but with
the help of people who've done this themselves, whether Quaker or not, I
believe I can find that spiritual experience, that psychic change or, as Jesus
named it, that spiritual rebirth for which I've longed.
