Words worth Hearing

I’m at a Quaker spiritual formation retreat in Western Maryland. For our first day, we began with a few readings. One was a midrash on Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”  Another was a poem by John O’Donoghue. I did not know who John O’Donoghue was until today. I read his poem “For a new beginning” And was asked to reflect on it individually before joining my spiritual partner. This is my reflection on that poem. Please forgive any odd or incomplete thoughts. I am dictating this on my iPhone of all places.

The Beginning (the Source) has been in the Out of the Way  parts of my heart. It has been forming all along waiting until I was ready. 

God watched my desire. God felt the emptiness growing inside me. My own will couldn’t let go of what I had outgrown.

God watched when I tried to take a road without challenge, when I chose an easier route with its gray promises.

God heard the turmoil and wondered if I would always live like this.

God delighted when I would gather courage to try a new path.  I am staring, not at a path of loss, but of plentitude; though I cannot see way forward. Not yet.

So I am encouraged to throw myself into this new beginning. Is the new beginning of my job? Choosing to serve the Religious Society of Friends? Choosing to wrestle with my tradition (Quaker teachings, Scripture, Jesus)?  What is my life’s desire? Peace and faithfulness to God was my desire until it wasn’t. Now it feels like that call to faithfulness, to service, to following my Guide and Inward Teacher Has more room than it has had for at least a decade and a half if not more, if not, since I was a child and felt God calling me to ministry, to serving him, to serving religious society.

I have been so angry and so hurt my entire life. Angry at myself, angry at liberal Quakers, who saw no room for a Christ-centered Friend. Angry so-called Christian Quakers, who had no room for a queer Friend. Angry at God for making me gay and not changing me so that I could have an easier path. Angry at myself for turning my back on what I knew I was called to be, turning to gay pop culture, and maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the self-hate that had been compounded over the years.  When the Tempter tempted me with an easier, softer way, I yielded . No one really knew what to do with the queer kid for Christ. So, I said, "forget it, I'll just dive deep into the club scene and activism."  

And then, overtime, I lost faith.

My soul does sense a world that awaits me. Perhaps a world completely different than the one I know.

*******

“ Art thou and the darkness?

Mind it not,

For if thou dost It will feed thee more.

But stand still, and act not,

And wait in patience,

'Til light arises out of darkness

And leads thee.”  James Naylor 1659

From this quote, I take what is key darkness is a part of life. Light arises from it and leads. I remember the quote from a friend Kathleen Mavournin at West Knoxville Friends who wrote a message on my going away poster when I was heading from Knoxville to Guilford College.

“ May you always walk in the light, except when you need to sit in the dark a little.”  she wrote.  I thought she had lost her mind when I read that and now I see.

So let it be. Amen.