On routines, COVID-19 and recovery

I wanted to start this with a series of obscenities that would make a sailor take another gulp, but I'm always wondering what student will read these things.  Of course, they would argue why be different than in class?

Well, because I'm trying to change!  That's why!

After a few stints in this hospital this winter I left into my mom's care.  She came up from Tennessee to spend 5 weeks with me while I adjusted to my new meds and established a routine. After she left I continue to follow it.

The first part is my choice to work out every morning on an empty stomach (after a cup of tea) to my sister's workout videos.

Part of the routine was imposed by the tele-teaching going on in Baltimore County Schools.   I say "going on" because it answers my question "What the *@X# is going on?" When I'm trying to assign lessons and grade work.

I bet my students would concur.

My lessons go something like this:

Step1 - Objectives/Outcomes
Step 2 - Discussion/Reflection (they post but almost never comment on each others' posts)
Step 3- Learning (Videos or documents that explain concepts)
Step 4- Trying out the new info without a grade. Just to practice
Step 5- Turn in a finished product

The problem is the kids ignore steps 1 and 3 consistently and often 2and 4. They turn in their finished products and I won't take them. They don't read the god-dang instructions.

MERDE ALORS!

Then I get 20+ "I don't understand why you won't take it."  "Did you look at X and Y?"  "No..... oh."

So that is roughly 2 hours of every day during office hours.  Two days a week I have online sessions with each of my classes.  I have 11 sections and 6 courses (some sections are combined).

French 2
French 3,4,5
French 3,5
French 1
French 1,3
French 2,3

So add another hour or two for playing tech-support with myself   and curriculum modifier (because what's written won't work with Higher Up Expectations). Add an hour. At least.

I get paid well so I shouldn't complain but I have had to teach a new curriculum for each of the past 5 years and now ... something new due to this bug.

So my mornings and afternoons are full.  And with all the bitching and moaning, I'm actually grateful for it, though I don't sound like it. I don't have to wonder what to do in the mornings. It's given to me.

The second part of the day is much more my own; and more life-giving.

Then there's lunch. Usually a sandwich though I'm trying to come up with something healthy and less carby.  I eat so fast that I don't have time to feel lonely while I eat.

Then I spend about an hour or two in step work. This is a huge change from ever before.   I dive into my step work for my recovery because it's really the only actionable thing I can do (besides not act out).   I'm learning about myself and about my disease.  I'm learning about the solution that will soothe the ache.  When I say ache I mean the loneliness, the anxiety, the restlessness, the irritability, the discontentment, the self-pity, the self-obsession that leads me to operate out of my will and not from a deeper place within where resides the Light that leads.  When I say soothe I mean caring for me they way only a friend can do, including if not most importantly the Friend within.  So opening the society's text book, working the steps, allowing the words of the page to shine on the words of my life, waiting on What May Come, and sitting with it, take up sometimes more time than I realize has gone by.

At this point I text my sponsor if he hasn't already texted me just to check in.

"U doing ok?"

"Yeah, doing step work."

It's like clock work, he hits me up at a perfect time to check in whenever it is. Perhaps it's because any time is a perfect time to check in!

At this point it's World of Warcraft, Critical Roll, or some D&D related activity.   This is one are of my life that has shifted because of COVID, but I'm made a concerted effort to stick with fantasy gaming; more video gaming, less tabletop RPG which I miss terribly.  For about four or five years i had a group of friends with whom I played D&D and then about a year ago it fell apart due to scheduling and the like. I went with them to PAX, my first con ever, a 32 year dream.  But when we got back my own problems got in the way of getting together with them.  It was a huge loss for me.  About a year prior, I had, however, picked up a new game and made some new friends, a group of LGBT players no less, but I missed a lot of games due to me being knee deep in mental illness and acting out.  In the hospital I befriended several D&D players, and one invited me to play with his crew. That was fun. Unfortunately, right as I came back to play,  COVID dice-blocked us all.  The giant DM screen from hell separated us all.

Friggin COVID.  But Wow, or listening to CR all end up taking enough time till dinner. 

I usually watch TV and eat dinner on these  Korean bamboo trays mom gave me.  I ate really well while mom was here and ate my friend Tiffani's lasagna way to quickly all while watching Netflix.

Then I attend an online recovery meeting on Zoom.  This has been particularly cool because I can fellowship with guys in DC whom I haven't seen in a while. So much laughter!  It's refreshing.

When that's over it's movie, meditation, and bed.

I'm always a bit fearful when it's time to go to bed.  I don't quite know why.  Even when I was a kid I would stay awake reading until I passed out.  I once caught a pillow on fire doing that when I was a teen.  Now i meditate before bed which helps and I pop a melatonin.   The meditation helps me focus on my recovery and my higher power within, a mindset I find helpful before sleeping.  The melatonin ensures I don't have time to think about anything else !

And then the next day begins.

Weekends are mostly gaming and meetings (Quaker meeting Zoom on Sundays).  I find giving myself more time to goof and play works so far.

I miss my friends, I think that's the biggest loss. On the other hand, this time is allowing me to do for me what I've refused to do most of my life, and especially while wrapped up in illness.  This time is a gift that I've decided to accept, hoping that the work I do now, will result in improved relationships after.