Whom am I trying to convince?

I spoke with one of my therapists Alesha about my blog posts. She has been encouraging me to journal through blogging (I sometimes journal in my journal books. I have a few depending on what state of mind I'm in and about what I'm writing). I shared the content of my blog posts about my spiritual identity beyond that of Quaker.  Sometimes it's hard being Quaker with so many different manifestations of it.  If you have read my previous posts you will see the gay Quaker who feels he has to defend himself against more Evangelical or Conservative Friends about being gay and more liberal Friends about being Jesus-centered.

I'm about to redo my step 4 in my recovery work.  This is where we list our angers, fears and resentments and look at our own part in them.  This is where another level of acceptance comes from.  This time I will be sure to put Quakers, all Quaker groups, down on my anger and resentment list.  To be fair, I feel like I'm being healed of this by the Spirit, but it will do good for me to look at my part in how I reacted or responded to these feelings.

I find myself talking in spirals with my therapist when it comes to faith.  She stopped me at one point and asked "who are you trying to to convince? You? Or someone else?"  The answer to that is both.  For me it's a question of integrity not only identity.  It's a question of not trying to water down a faith that has it's own traditions and ways to access the Power.  But then Alesha, offered this: "Do what works for you."

Honestly divination has worked for me.  I've listened to sermons where the pastors disparage the use of crystals, tarot cards and other divination tools. They're not wrong: the Bible is clearly against them, just like gay sex, men wearing women's clothing, having sex when a woman is on her cycle (you get the drift).  The Hebrew peoples and Paul had a lot to say about how people should and should not live, whereas my perception of the pagan religions is that they left a lot more room for personal practice and lifestyle. Christianity further subjugated women and stamped out same-sex expression.  The Biblical teachings are simply about not putting things between us and God; and I get that.  Even though divination "works" sometimes, (sometimes the spirits are silent), I also feel that divination, or prayer beads, or mantras, or formal prayers, are simply tools that Quakers traditionally have testified are unnecessary. We don't need these things to access God. God is within and our experience of them is direct.

And to be fair, I rarely do any divination. I make it sound like I do it on a regular basis. I do not. I mostly sit and talk to the pictures of dead friends and relatives (and my dog). I'll put food or black coffee (or a bud of cannabis -- for Russell) on the table as an offering.  I talk to my family about the very content of my blog posts.  

What am I trying to avoid by simply sitting in silence and going within?  My Aries ass always wants to do things whole hog or not at all.  But I don't have to sit in silence for an hour. I can do it for 5 minutes just to pause and build up. This I know. But there is something in the silence that troubles me or of which I'm afraid or am avoiding.  Is it the Spirit? Me? Do I sense there is something I don't want to hear or am afraid of yielding to?  I think it comes down to trusting the Divine and trusting myself that it will be ok.  It is always ok in Quaker meetings. Why not "alone" with God? (I know I'm never alone).

And why this constant bloviating about whether or not my faith in God is Christian and whether or not I consider myself one and what kind of Christian I am?  Why play around with words so much? Probably because Quakers are notorious for using "just the right words."

But then when I was talking it through with Alesha, this song came to mind. "Give over thine own willing, give over thine own running, give over thine own desiring to know or be anything, and sink down to the Seed, that God sews in thy heart.  And let that be in thee, and grow in thee, and breathe in thee, and act in thee, and thou shalt find by sweet experience, that the LORD knows that, and loves and owns that, and will lead into the inheritance of life, which God's portion."   Give over thine own desiring to know or be anything. Wow. Quaker wisdom right there.  This theological back and forth that has occurred my entire life is really because 1)people like to put ourselves and others in neat little boxes that define them and 2)I've always felt a need to explain or prove myself.  I grew up with "How can you be gay and Christian?" from both gay people and other Christians. 

But that's not all; I fell in love with the Biblical narrative about Jesus and Jesus' love in a time where I didn't believe I was given unconditional love and acceptance by Christians or Quakers, my friends or my family.  This was my experience until I was in my early 20s.  Even later people would put up with one aspect of me (Christian or gay) but not the other aspect and both were important.  When I felt called to gospel ministry at a young age, that never died even through all the debauchery of my adult life.  My dual life only made it worse, though (see previous posts).  

Before I make this other people's fault, I take full responsibility for the choices I have made and how I have responded to various circumstances and decisions.  I made decisions. I tried to take an easier way out that made me feel good even when those same decisions made me feel good in the short term, they made everything harder eventually. However, it this double life started before I was an adult.

So if anything I'm simply processing on this blog. Am I looking for outside input? I welcome it. Ultimately, the decisions are mine.   So, we're back to Alesha's advice: do what works.  And in Barclay's Apology his first proposition is that we should approach faith in God as we approach art or science, that is experimentally.   Through experimenting and testing our experiences, we come to know God in a personal way, in a living way, and as a loving way.  That's the first proposition. All else hangs on this experience. And if I think to my life I've had many experiences of God in my life.  Honestly, no matter what I believed theologically about God, God has always been there.  There is a certain peace and joy that comes from that.  

I used to believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present God, but got hung up on that.  What kind of God like that would allow... then I came to understand that it's not about allowing.  Creation has its own rules of actions and reactions of causes and consequences.  When a plane crashes, that's God's creation doing what it does. Some human error or natural occurrence caused the plane to crash.  People often give God the glory when they are saved from death and they explain away that there is always a reason for the bad things.  I don't see it this way at all.  Humans chose to get in a metal tube that flies with explosive fuel taking the chance they won't crash. God didn't choose to fly. We did.  But God is there with us, within us. When the plane crashes, God is there if we make it out. When the plane crashes God is there when we die.  That's the joy: God is always there in our sorrows, pain, happiness and success. God is always there.  Whether or not God has the power to save us from a tragic accident, that doesn't matter to me. God is there regardless.  There are many times when I've been in danger and have gotten out of that danger (life threatening sometimes).  God was with me and with the others who were involved.  When I was neck deep in my hurts, habits and hang-ups God was with me when I chose to cope maladaptively and God is with me in my recovery.  God doesn't make me or prohibit me from stuffing my face all night long until I'm sick, but God is with me when I choose to eat even when I'm not hungry.  The still small voice is there to Guide me, if I were to listen.  

These things are true for me:

I experience Power in some Christian worship but I've also experienced God in other religious settings.

I find meaning in the Christian and Hebrew myth (stories).

I know God to be omni-present, the rest I have no idea.

The Name of Jesus represents love, compassion, healing, transformation, regeneration, charity, peace, subversiveness to oppression, and justice. I love Jesus.

The dead speak to us today, and I have experienced that vividly and soberly.

There are many paths, but they do not always offer to lead to the same place (some enlightenment, some salvation). That's ok.

I don't have to agree on everything or understand everything to know God and to share that experience with others.

I don't have to accept the supernatural aspects of the Christian story to see power in meaning and metaphor.

It doesn't matter if what I call myself; it matters that I'm faithful.

Labels restrict. They also define and identify.  Jesus-loving Quaker suffices.  

Paganism is not bad or diabolical.  There are evil Christians and there are good Pagans.  It's the Inward Life that matters.  People have both the seeds of the Light and the seed of Darkness in them.  

That belief based on experience gives a solid foundation; belief based on teachings can lead to doubt and atheism.

I'm not alone in my journey.