I have a hard time calling myself a Christian these days. I also realize that, for me, to be Quaker and not engage the scriptures and writings of Friends which are foundational to our faith is intellectually lazy at best. And to do so is missing out on some rich wisdom! That, and I have the voice of Lloyd Lee Wilson in my head when he spoke on QuakerSpeak about cafeteria style faith. I also remember Lloyd telling me of how he came to Quakers: an MIT grad, drawn by our peace testimony, but not a Christian, but was invited into fellowship with Friends if he was willing to wrestle with our tradition, scripture and all. Now he's a Christian and a minister. Go figure.
It's funny how it works. I considered myself Christian my whole life, while engaging here and there in pagan practices. And for some time my private practice did not include silence, which I still find hard to do when alone, but more active practices involving candles and incense, perhaps written prayers (I used to pray Russian Orthodox prayers) or even pagan works (I know, some of you may be cringing, others nodding). I've finally come to peace with ancestor veneration (not worship). But I also know that the God of my ancestors was the Christian God, who has been their god for over a thousand years (we can trace the Olive family back to 1066, the Gevedon family back to it's origins in the Gévaudan where the werewolf legend originates (I do get loopy on a full moon). To claim the Celtic or Scandinavian Gods as mine seems a stretch for me. That, and I don't believe in anthropomorphic deities.
That's the kicker for me right there. Nothing in Judaism allows for an anthropomorphic god. Islam has long since pointed out how Christianity erred here. Christianity will point out that false prophets about the truth in the New Testament could be pointing to the teachings of Muhammad about Jesus. To be truthful, I think the Muslims are right when it comes to painting Jesus as God. God's Son? the Messiah? Ok. God himself? Seems a stretch to include Roman paganism in a Jewish faith.
But all that is history.
I kinda figured this would happen: I picked the scriptures back up when Bible Study became a thing at Homewood. Whereas everything else has come and gone as far as religious ed at Homewood is concerned (book studies, pamphlet studies, Quaker Speak showings, Quaker Foundations courses), Bible study has met once a month for a couple of years now. All because a newish Young Adult Friend requested it and I agreed to support it as a "more seasoned" member of the meeting (more pickled is a apt description).
After Russell died in 2004, my faith disappeared. God? Who? My entire world was upended and I had no footing. I would love to say my faith in Jesus grounded me, but when Russ left this side of the veil, my compass was broken). One day I went to the Shrine of St Jude, a few blocks from my house. I sat in the church and contemplated Christ on the cross. I began to cry, asking God for direction. And direction came. "Be a Christian" the voice in my head said. That only made me cry harder. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Read the Gospels, focus on the Gospels."
I can't say I followed this counsel.
Back in the 2000s when I worshipped with Old Town Friends Fellowship (laid down), I had a strong leading to lay down everything I thought I believed and knew. We started the fellowship to have a distinctly Christ-centered worship group. And here I was hearing God to say "lay the theology down, and get to know me." Unfortunately, I didn't do that. And I fell into what would be over a decade of trouble and personal torment. I would come to know what it meant to be ruled by my hurts, habits and hang ups.
Fast forward to the past few years. I finally came to a place where I had to lay it all down. I quit calling myself a Christian, I called myself a non-theist, and picking up the Bible felt like hot coals in my hands. I would read scripture and even the words of Jesus made me angry. "Screw this." I wanted nothing to do with anything Christian or Bible. After my entire life of trying to be a good Christian, of trying to fit in with other Christians, with Quaker Christians even, I found myself repelled by it all. I came to meeting regularly, I still felt that prompting of the Spirit, but I refused to label any of my experiences other than with vague, universalist language.
Backing up a bit, when I was 16 I was called to Gospel Ministry. My meeting had no idea what to do with me but they set up a clearness committee which affirmed my calling. They told me to wait on the Lord to see what would come next. When I got to Guilford, and shared that I was gay and called to ministry in my membership letter to New Garden Meeting, I was met with a response "We have never been in the business of asking someone about their sexual orientation and we are not in it now." No acknowledgement of being called to ministry. Max Carter sent me on deputations and encouraged me to be faithful as well as counseled against sin when I was partying my butt off. Individual Friends were supportive, but I had fallen into gay pop culture (partying, clubbing, etc). While I still felt the call, I tormented myself by living a life contradictory to what I was being called to do. When at ESR it all culminated in me being so distraught, so torn by the lifestyle I was living and the life I was called to live, I had to leave seminary.
I wish I could tell you that it all got better, but it only got worse. I was living a double life. I served on Quaker boards but wasn't living a Quaker life. Up until the 2010s, Quakers were in the dark about my double life. That was until my life came tumbling down under the weight of sin and attachment. There's no other term to describe it. A life not based in the Spirit will not bear fruit. My tree was barren. But that's when Friends stepped in. And for over a decade, Friends visited me, encouraged me, had hard conversations with me, and loved me when I wasn't loving myself.
Also during this time I realized how angry and hurt I was because of Friends. As a young Christian Quaker, I was treated pretty badly by many unprogrammed Friends (though I confess to a bit of adolescent can't-be-told / know-it-all ness that drove Friends crazy). When I came out, they were fine with it, but they were not fine with the Christ-centered ministry. When I worshipped with pastoral Friends, they liked the ministry, but disapproved of me being gay. I was never welcome to come full up among Friends. Ever. There were, of course, individuals who were supportive, but I felt the weight of disapproval. It made me defensive and resentful. Not a good spiritual place to be.
So with realizing this hurt, understanding the resentments against Friends, I turned more and more to paganism and the use of outward tools to manipulate reality, to create a spiritual (and sometimes physical) result. While my works were effective, I couldn't shake the inward voice calling me to listen to it, to heed it, to mind it, to be still in it. And what the voice was telling me was that I didn't need outward tools to have a direct experience with the Divine, to understand myself in this reality. And any manipulation of energy still needed to be Spirit-led. I eventually did what I felt led to do back after Russell died; that is, to just let it all go, quit worrying about the words, and get to know the Spirit. And, thanks to Bible study at Homewood, and just as I was counseled by that Voice at St Jude's Shrine, I began to study the scriptures. We just concluded studying Mark on Easter weekend.
Just as the Scriptures say that God's word will not return void (Isaiah 55:11), as has been my experience in the past, I began to search the Scriptures, to read them with an open mind, if not a broken heart. We used Friendly Bible Study, and it was encouraging to study the scriptures with Friends of a variety of beliefs and understandings of Quakerism. There we were, 4-8 people every month, pouring through the scriptures, trying to understand the main ideas of the text, wrestling with what challenged us, seeking new light and understanding. Almost every month, I would find the scriptures searching me in return, challenging me. All the while I was unaware that Spirit was healing me and my resentments.
Friends in meeting began encouraging me when I spoke in meeting (this wasn't always the case) One Friend said "you're one of our ministers." This was a Friend who told me when I joined meeting that, while West Knoxville had stated in my intro letter that I was called to ministry and the meeting I joined would need to support me, Homewood couldn't do it, because they didn't have the elders to do so. Now she calls me a minister? Me? No, that calling was long gone, Friend. Then another Friend, not a Christian, spoke to me about my ministry. I told her I had heard this already, but while I speak often in meeting, I am not called to ministry anymore. Her response "that is not your call to make." The weight of speaking in meeting returned; if I speak too much, that would be a problem. If I spoke out of turn, again a problem. Ego? Problem. Oh, come on, I'm olde hat at this! I came to realize that through all my anger, through my doubt, through my pain and suffering, through the bright spots too, Spirit was trying to use me, as broken of a vessel as I was.
Then there was the last straw. I was asked to lead the vocal ministry course in our Quaker Foundations series (I've convinced the meeting to stop saying Quakerism 101 -- not all Friends go to or have gone to college). I asked a Friend who speaks prophetically and powerfully in meeting to join me in this. As I kept referring to myself as a non-theist, he finally called me on my baloney. "Stop saying you're a non theist, Kevin." I tried to defend that by explaining my non-theism, but he wasn't buying it at all. He heard me in meeting, and that was not the ministry of a non-theist.
Truthfully, I don't believe in an anthropomorphic God now than I did before, but I've come to realize something. I do believe in God. The God of the Hebrews, the God of the Muslims, the God of the Christians, the Greeks' Unknown God. I believe in a God who counsels, guides, instructs, leads, heals, transforms and regenerates those who listen and follow. I do believe that Jesus felt called by God to bring a new way of interpreting what it meant to be a Jew, and his ministry was so powerful, that he was so full of God, that he was Light manifest, ((50) Jesus said, "If they say to you, 'Where did you come from?', say to them, 'We came from the light, the place where the light came into being on its own accord and established itself and became manifest through their image.' If they say to you, 'Is it you?', say, 'We are its children, we are the elect of the living father.' If they ask you, 'What is the sign of your father in you?', say to them, 'It is movement and repose.'" Gospel of Thomas). I also believe that's what Jesus said we could all be if we follow him and do what he says, if we are his friends (John 15:15). Gone are the days of material sacrifices on altars. Gone are the days of the gods of Olympus playing chess with us. Gone are the days of good gods and bad gods dominating us. The God of the unmarked altar (Acts 17:23) only asked us to be still, to know them, to rejoice and give thanksgiving to them, to love each other, to do justice, and the one sacrifice we have to make, was our egos, our selfishness, our self-seeking.
I also believe we can access Jesus through prayer and meditation. How many of us have experienced dead loved ones after they are gone? Some of us have had undeniable experiences. My late partner spoke to me of an event that was going on, and even confirmed later in that day (his parents were in town to hire a Christian law firm to get his body dug up from the Quaker cemetery in which he is buried -- a lawsuit that lasted years). So, if my late partner can communicate with me after he died, then how much more so that I can access the risen Christ? This has occurred to me before, for a long time, I just assumed that it was Spirit and not Christ who spoke to me.
Early Friends believed two things to be true: That in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God (John 1). They also believed that this Word was the Light that enlightened all who came into the world (Jonn 1:9). They took seriously the question "Who do you say that I am?" They answered based on their experience. That power, that transformation, that rebirth that they read about in scripture, matched their experience. While they emphasized the Inward Gospel (that transformation) they found the Outward Gospel (outward expressions of faith) to be of secondary importance. The outward must come from the inward. When they came into the Life, their actions and deeds, ministry and service, were full of that Life.
It's not really an easy place to come out on: I'm not an orthodox Christian, and I don't like using the term Christian to apply to me only because of thirst for power and privilege that so many Christians and Christian organizations seek. They emphasize the 10 commandments over the Beatitudes. They sound more like the Pharisees and Sadducees than followers of Jesus. Legalistic. Focused on sin rather than grace. But then, Quakers struggled against the accusations that they weren't Christian arguing that it's the Inward Life that makes one a Christian, not a confession or rituals.
You can probably "feel" the hesitation to throw myself back into the camp of Christians. But the truth is, that while not all Quakers are Christian, it's still a Christian faith -- based in New Testament concepts and teachings per Jesus of Nazareth and those who followed him. What was it that was said to me after Russell died? Read the Gospels. What came do me years later? Put down the theology and experience God.
Fox challenged the fellow Christians of his day: "You will say, 'Christ saith this and the apostles say this;' but what canst thou say? Art thou a child of the Light, and hast thou walked in the Light and what thou speakest is it inwardly from God?" Barclay wrote of a seed of sin and a seed of Light in all people. I'm inclined to fellowship with those who believe our job is to water the seed of Light and to starve the seed of sin. What they call those seeds aren't important to me. If we walk in the Light, if mind it, if we point people to the Light within themselves, if we feed the hungry and heal the sick, both materially and spiritually, then we are friends of Jesus.
That double life I've lived was a sword I can no longer bear. A life of wanting to please God, to be a good Quaker, to be a faithful minister, was tainted by debauchery and gluttony. I had always hoped that somehow, somewhere God would intervene and force my hand. I don't know that God did that, but I certainly did that to myself. But here's my testimony through this whole thing: if you seek you fill find. God is constantly knocking at the door. We can hide in our doubt, we can separate ourselves through our lifestyles, we can doubt and question through our intellect. But when we've had enough, when our ways of coping with hurts, habits and hang ups, resentments, fears and anger leave us wanting, still spiritually thirsting, still with a longing and yearning that cannot be assuaged, there is an Eternal and Inwardly-shining light that will lead us and transform us in ways we cannot imagine. For some it's instantaneous and immediate, but for me it's taken my entire adult life. Bit by bit, measure by measure, God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. And while I still cringe at much of what the Christian Church says and does, I know that at the heart of it, Jesus trumps Church. Christ outshines theology. Experience informs belief, builds trust and intimacy.
I might also add that my Concern for the spiritual life of the meeting had returned; one of Friends' spiritual development, for our connection to the divine, and for our message to be shared. In meeting after meeting I feel my heart swell with love for those present, for Friends everywhere, for us to grow, for our understanding of the Spiritual Life, would transform and heal many a soul.
Baby steps. But it feels so good to lay down my that which makes my spirituality so toxic. Anti-this. Against that. Hurt by this. Offended by that. If I seek a perfect religion, a perfect fit, I'll always be left wanting. But over the years, in the silence of Quaker meeting I've been able to wrestle with all of this just as the Conservative North Carolina Friends counseled Lloyd Lee to do. Through the preaching of faithful Friends I have been reminded to yield, to sink down into the seed, to walk in and mind the Light. Thanks to the patient love of Friends, I have learned to be vulnerable, to ask for and receive eldering and other help. Honestly, most don't care what I say I believe, they care about the Life. What cannot be understood by the mind can be understood by the heart. My heart loves Jesus. What can I say?
PS
You may think this sounds like a long diatribe which can be summed up by the poem Footprints. You would be right. This is always the case for me:
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with
the Lord. Scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In
each, I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were
two sets of footprints; other times there was only one.During the low periods of my life I could see only one set of
footprints, so I said, "You promised me, Lord, that you would
walk with me always. Why, when I have needed you most,
have you not been there for me?"The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set
of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."
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