This probably comes as no surprise to those who know me: silence is not easy for me; even when I'm alone. Sitting in silence with people is pleasant and welcoming to me, whether that pause in conversation with others or at a Quaker meeting.
As part of my individual practice I keep an ancestor altar. On it are pictures and objects of family and friends. Since I was a child, I had a fondness for my great-great grandmother, "Granny," who died when I was but 8 years old. I wanted to go to her funeral, but my parents went alone. Still, Granny has been on my mind off and on through the present day. I always felt her eyes on me or her presence around me. When I would see her in pictures, looking through Mama's photo albums, I felt a spark of connection. As my grandparents and great uncles and aunts died, I felt a desire to connect with them. And then there was the experience I had of Russell after he died (a blog post for another time). So I felt like I had a cloud of witnesses around me. After talking to a hoodoo friend of mine, who encouraged me in making an ancestor altar, an idea I had floated by him a few times, I decided to go ahead and make it.
I won't post pictures here, but here is what/who is on my altar.
- A picture of my paternal grandparents, Grandmother and Granddad.
- A picture of my maternal grandfather, Papa, and all his brothers and sisters (now deceased).
- A picture of my friend Tom, in whose house I currently live
- A picture of my late partner Russell
- A picture of maternal great-great grandparents, Granny and Pa
- Russell's eyeglasses
- The keys to Russell's office at Center Stage (I meant to give them back, but I doubt they even work anymore).
- A lock of my dog Clovis' fur
- A monocle given to me by my friend Richard Lee, who taught me magical and healing ways he learned from his English Quaker family. I use it as a pendulum.
- A divination board which I almost never use
- A hurricane lantern
- A white table cloth
- An etched crystal wine glass with a dramatically flared lip (from Grandmother's collection)
- An incense burner
- Bone dice (which I'm still learning to use)
- A Quaker calendar
- My maternal great-grandfather's hunting rifle (broken)
Now you may think that I'm a regular diviner, but I'm not. I have practiced divination with the pendulum with dramatic results. I've been able to divine truths I shouldn't know about others. I've been able to divine situations that had yet to occur. The spirits aren't always chatty, but when they are...
So the other day I was feeling some kind of way, and I had the voice of my therapist in my head. She has been pushing me to spend more time in meditation. I practice guided meditations more often than silent meditation, and I do it in fits and spurts. For a while I was meditating every morning before work. Then for a while in the evenings before bed. But they were always guided. Sitting alone in silence has always been difficult for me. Not only was the voice of my therapist encouraging me, I felt led to sit down at the altar and talk to my family.
Now, I used to do formal invocations calling on the four corners with their distinct aspects, calling on Spirits and Entities known and unknown to me who have guided me whether I knew it or not, and calling on my ancestors those I knew and didn't. But this formality seemed a bit much with my Quaker sensibilities (one may even question divination at all as a Quaker). Suffice it to say, this day, I sat and addressed each ancestor at the table by name, or by what I called them in this world, and sat in silence for a few minutes. Then it occurred to me: I struggle with the individual Quaker practice of sitting alone in silence. I struggle partly due to ADHD and I get distracted easily. I also struggle because the thoughts in my head are sometimes too much. And I struggle because feelings and emotions can make sitting still difficult. I also struggle with biblical admonitions against divination, but that's another blog.
And this time it wasn't any different. However, what occurred to me at this sitting, was that I am not alone. I never am alone. My ancestors are with me at least much of the time, and my life is living proof that either they have been trying to protect and guide me. So, when I'm sitting in silence, it's not just me and God. It's me, my ancestors and God. It's a meeting for worship.
I also have petitioned my ancestors to help guide me toward the Light, to be open and tender to from where the Light may shine. Christ was their God, and I do believe they have been praying for and with me.
So, in the silence, I am never alone. There is always the Light, and when I choose to include them, or maybe even when I don't think to, my family and friends who have gone before me, are sometimes there with me too.
And so, I don't feel the need to do divination like I did before. These outward tools are simply guides to an inner knowing, and inner sensing of things. I don't need them if I sit in silence, and listen. It's like crutches or training wheels. We can use outward prayers, rites and rituals, objects such as candles, prayer beads, cards, dice, incense to establish a mood, to have an outward help to understanding the Inward Reality. They are helps. But as a Quaker I have been taught they are not necessary. And none of my greater Openings have ever involved these outward helps.
Some would point out that I'm replacing Jesus as a mediator between me and God. But just as I would seek the counsel of a living minister or elder I seek the counsel of those who have passed on, who have a perspective that the living doesn't (necessarily). I'm not replacing anything or anyone. I'm not worshipping anyone but God.
You may find this all a bunch of silliness; all my imaginations. There's that, too.
But there is power and magic in imagination. Especially when my imagination yields results.
And if I'm imagining God, if I'm imagining the spirits of my family or the spirit of an man executed 2000 years ago, and it results in better mental health, better life decisions, a deepening connectedness to my "higher self" and to my neighbor, I'll take it.
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